memories...

it's been quite a long time since you left us... you bastard raveo... you left me just like how toric left me two years ago. so sudden, so surprising. i thought you would be cleverer, i thought i could let you do what you want since i trust you. but you not only broke the trust, but lose the bond, lose yourself. i blamed myself, why leave the clan when everything seems not right. i thought breaking it up would be a better choice than keeping it going. but when 'uncle' and 'cousin' left us, i have to do this choice, along side with the seniors, don't i. now that i can no longer see you, speak with you, or spar with you, i really felt a lost. it's common to see people dying because of what we do, but it's inevitable to be sad when the person who died is your friend. it's hard to let this thought begone, just like how i still can't forget toric, you'll always be in my memories. we'll always love you raveo, no matter where you are.

it's hard to break through the barrier, it's hard to control myself. it's a thin line between concern and obsession. i don't want to fall into the latter. please help me God. please help me...

i always put a hard front, however, deep inside me, i could not just take it anymore. i hope my life was a little bit smooth sailing, but everytime, it just gets worse. i know that how i feel will affect how people feel, therefore i must put on a happy front so everyone else feels happy. but everytime i see you, this front just could not stand, and my ugly side will show. people assiociate me to emo whenever this side shows up. but it's hard to control, nor will it pass like nobody's business. my pink watch is a way to remind myself to stay happy, for if i don't bother how people see me, and i know that it's how i carry myself makes me, i will feel good. but the society is cruel, people judge by your surface, and how you seem to them, but they never look deep, and never bother to try. all you can do is, accept the fact, and forget them. but it's not as easy to forget, than easy to forgive. :(

i just have bad moods nowadays because everyone makes you seems useless. when your family critisizes you, and not accept the explanations you give. it sucks. when you also finally think that you yourself is useless, it just sucks more. no one see what you gives in, but what you achieve. when you managed to achieve something, they demand more. sometimes, things you hope will happen, just don't, and it gets worse and worse. you're just plain useless lah dennis. shit.

today, while thinking of raveo, and how useless i am, i walked in northpoint alone, avoiding going home to receive negative remarks, an auntie approached me. she kindly gave me $10 shopping voucher due to some circumstances. wow. lucky me. went to library to read some comics. captain america just taught me loads. but i'm still in a bad mood, putting a strong front. luckily, no negative comments was heard when i reached home. many times i hope i could just cry it out, but it just doesn't work out that way. i can't cry, and i have no support. i just swallow it down, and make myself feel heavy. this feeling suck.

i'm a attention seeker, i can't stay insignificant, but i feel insignificant, and that feeling suck to the max. sorry 'cousin' leo. i hope i can feel happier too, but no factor comes in. it just keeps going out. out. out.